The Trollbuster General
By Theophobiac

Gonzo Journalism Without the Use of Illegal Substances

An Apology Of Sorts

As the subtitle says, whilst I’m prepared to use many of the techniques devised by the late and great Hunter S. Thompson, I balked at the idea of ingesting various hallucinatory substances. In short, I bottled out. Unlike Hunter, I just didn’t have the balls. On the other hand, given the weirdness of the people I came across, I didn’t need to. Indeed, I suspect magic mushrooms or LSD would have made these people look perfectly normal by comparison!

Introduction

This book is about my exploits hunting cyber trolls on “InterPals,” a popular Internet penpal site. (For those of you who don’t know what cyber trolls are I’ve included a short description of them). However, let me start by making one thing perfectly clear: I’m the original model for “Billy No Mates.” I’m not, by any stretch of the imagination, a gregarious person. If this were the Middle Ages or Victorian times, I’d be a hermit. Talking of hermits, I recall learning that some rich Victorians actually employed people to act as hermits on their estate. It was a landscape gardening accessory, like a bird box. Except, in this case, it wasn’t for the purpose of breeding. Hermits, being solitary by nature, do not breed. At least not voluntarily. In other words, if you wanted them to breed you’d have to force them to do so. And I regret to say I find this proposition rather intriguing. So the reader has learned that I’m not only an introvert, but that I also have perverted sexual fantasies. Still, they say confession is good for the soul. The point I’m trying to make is that I didn’t go on this penpal site looking for pals. I was, in fact searching for someone who might have information on a relative. Worse still, I threw all caution to the winds and struck up a friendship with a female Belgian Binge Drinker who later confessed she was an American called “Clarity.” A strange choice because she appeared to suffer from severe mood swings.

Realising that Clarity was herself a cyber troll I decided that this was an opportunity I couldn’t miss. Here was a chance to study the species in detail. And, although I didn’t have the balls to fuck around with illegal substances, I had sufficient balls to fuck around with her. So I ended up having a tempestuous cyber affair. All good clean fun, I hasten to add.

It was Clarity who alerted me to the presence of a character I dubbed, McNob. I dubbed him McNob because some of the profiles this guy submitted to InterPals suggested he’d served in the SAS. Originally I called him McNab but then I remembered that the real McNab had served in the SAS and these are not the sort of people one insults lightly. So I decided to track McNob down – if, indeed, it was a “he.” For in some of his profiles McNob had also appeared as a female! I even set up a social network site entitled, “The Walter Mitty Appreciation Society” (based on a character created by the American humorist, James Thurber. His hero Mitty lived in a fantasy world where he imagined he was other people). The idea was to hopefully draw him/her into it! It worked because a character calling themselves “Rubenstein” posted a comment on it. The comment stated that he was a former member of the security services. He even hinted darkly that he’d been employed as an assassin. Here it is, in all its lurid detail...

“At 10:50pm on April 1st, 2008,

Rubinstein said…

No sorry i worked for a branch of mi6, a covert branch who cleans up the mess others can not do, and i dont mean the shit house either, .You could call me the jackal but i dont get caught, i have c2 clearance, dhss sorry i have plenty money, i am not the best writer by far, thats why i am in the shadows.”

McNob’s comments didn’t surprise me. Of course, there’s a possibility that McNob may not be working alone. He may, in fact, be part of a group of individuals suffering from Multiple Personality Disorder. And these individuals may have formed themselves into a club. There, with the help of a computer and access to broadband, (curtesy of the “Care in the Community,” policy), they may be targeting penpal and social network sites. The mind boggles.

It boggles even further when one adds Pink Coat’s brother. He’s been sending me fake spam emails long before I joined this penpal site. I made the mistake of inviting him onto it and now he may be muddying the waters. And if you’re already getting confused, then worse is to follow. To give you a taste of the delights to come, below are just five of McNob’s profiles. These have been reproduced with grammatical and spelling mistakes in place. But don’t be fooled. There’s evidence that McNob may be more intelligent that we initially thought.

1. The Playboy from Monaco

“A small note about me, nice smart kind sexy fun",. "Living in Monaco being a resident in this rich mans and womens playground can be nice and also very boring:", so i have to stretch my legs further a field for interests and business pleasures.Ithink you can guess the rest.English man from surrey, not french man as so many people think here.”

2. Sweet Marlene

This is not my favorite thing to have to fill in..... I always draw a blank, but....divorced female, 2 children (school aged), 2 ferrets, 1 cat, 1 gerbil, own my own house in a "caravan park" of sorts on a lake with a private petrol station, bar / restraunt, pizza / grocery, garden in the summer also have fruit trees and grapes, very creative / artistic, love to bicycle, love motorbikes, excellent cook (I understand that there is a much larger selection of seasonings outside of "salt and pepper"!)...

3. The Former Royal Marine Commando

“Penpals, or is it computer palls, interesting and strange in this virtual world.Lets see what happens in this bazzar world of fantasy and Adventure, does the key unlock the door or is it closed all the time, well i will have to see.Adescription of me well yes i think, so you should know what you are up against.Well friends of mine call me a charmer well thats what there say, nice and smart with a pleaseant tone witty likes a laugh kind handsome tall tad shy, great fun a tad cocky, other...”

5. The Lonely Italian

4am looking outside of my hotel room in the land of tomorrow tomorrow. Hopes never take off from here. My guardian angels say (tele-pathically of course) "you are just one card short of a full deck". Enough to grasp my attention and come out with a couple of ideas in this night with squinty eyes. I look around. I see Two road-signs, someone must have dropped them onto the street. The first one is an arrow that points to the left and reads "All Directions". The second one...”

5. The Slapper from Monaco

“A mirror can tell a hundred things about a person", if you know out to look.What does it tell you about me, well you will after find out wont you.Am i a mirror image or the real thing."Only i know that unless your down in monaco then you see the real thing".Ithink mirrors are funny in a way, from one mirror to another you look diffrent some how, maybe its me i dont know.”

Cyber Trolls

The term “cyber troll” refers to a group of sociopaths who deliberately join Internet forums in order to disrupt them. They do so by posting inflammatory messages to other users hoping to incite a response. The aim is to involve members of the forum in a pointless slanging match. A definitive guide to trolls can be found on the “Obuntu Forums. During my involvement with the species on InterPals I became intrigued by them. Possessed of a sarcastic nature and having no friends to lose, I decided to do some trolling myself. The results are described in the book.

CHAPTER 1: McNOB

In this profile McNob is a battle-hardened vet from the first Gulf War. Although he’s too modest to say, the impression is that McNob was a member of the SAS. The temptation to pick this fucker apart line by line has proved too great. It’s cruel, I know. It’s tantamount to kicking a cripple. Or poking a blind man in the eye. But we live in a cruel world. And, if you like watching “Big Brother,” then you’ll enjoy this. If you could mine a multiple personality disorder out of the ground, this would be the mother lode. In fact, you wouldn’t even need to extract this stuff from the rock. It would pop out by itself.

So here’s our Gulf War veteran. In his profile McNob tells us a little about himself. Well, all right, a lot about himself. All in capital letters. Just in case any prospective penpals have impaired vision. Warning: Those of you who have any respect for grammar and spelling should either take a strong drink or a powerful sedative before reading any further because this guy is the Hannibal Lecter of bad English. The first line goes like this...

“About Me

1-WHY DO I HAVE TO , MAYBEE OR NOT TAKE YOUR PICK AND THROW IT OUT.”

How coy! First he pretends to be unsure about filling his profile in. He then proceeds to fill our heads with shit. Yet, awful as it is, you feel yourself drawn to it. It’s like seeing a bad traffic accident. You just have to look. We move on to the next bit...

“TINA TURNER THE SINGER IF ANYBODY KNOWS HER, SAYS IN ONE OF HER VERY GOOD RECORDS ,SIMPLY THE BEST BETTER THAN ALL THE REST BETTER THAN ANYONE, AND YES THATS ME I AM THE BEST IN WHAT MY OCCUPATION WAS,”

McNob wonders if anyone knows Tina Turner. Don’t worry, mate, I’m sure someone out there must remember her. She was a singer, right? And, if I recall, she had the sort of legs you see on one of those huge oak tables on “Antiques Roadshow.” Anyway, McNob uses one of Tina’s hits to describe himself. “Simply the best, better than all the rest.” Well, if McNob is referring to bullshitters he’s hit the nail on the head. He goes on...

“I WAS TRAINED BY THE BEST AND I AM PROUDOF THAT,.I KNOW LONGER DO IT ANYMORE BECAUSE I HAVE THE STRANGE DIAGNOSES OF M.G.W.S,”

Here we discover that McNob was trained by the best. Probably the Grand Order of Bullshitters. But he can’t do it any more because he’s got M.G.W.S. Which sounds like one of those old railway companies in the age of steam. Then McNob gives us a terrifying glimpse into what this condition does to him...

“AND NIGHTMARES WHICH AS JUST COME ON IN THE PAST YEAR, OTHER FAULTS WITH ME ARE PSYCHOPATH TENDICIES RAGES FORGETING THINGS STRANGE BEHAVIOUR ETC ETC, WHICH I HAVE TABLETS FOR ETC,”

McNob is clearly an optimist. He reckons someone with amnesia, nightmares, strange behaviour and psychopathic tendencies is just the sort of person who’d make a good penpal. That these are the qualities people are looking for when they seek someone to share their innermost thoughts with. Okay, maybe if they’re residents of Rampton or Broadmoor they might. Fortunately McNob has tablets for his condition. The blue tablets or the red ones? Surely it can’t get any worse, you cry. Any worse? We’ve just touched the tip of the iceberg. Get a load of this...

“SOMETIMES THE INTERNET IS ESCAPE FROM MY SOUL, WELL SORT OF, BIG LETTERS FOR A BIG MAN TO SEE THATS ME , DONT LIKE IT TOUGH LUCK.I AM NOT TELLING MY AGE ON HERE OR WHERE I AM IN THE WORLD , FOR SECURITY REASONS WHICH ARE OBVIOUS.ALSO I AM NOT PUTTING MY REAL PHOTO OF ME UP HERE ALSO, FOR THE SAME REASON, NO WAY I DONT WANT TO WAKE UP IN THE MORNING WITH A BULLET IN MY HEAD, BUT THE PHOTO IS SIMILAR TO ME,”

Forget those Nintendo Brain Training games. That’s kid’s play. The real intellectual challenge is right here. According to McNob, sometimes the Internet is an escape from his soul. Well, sort of. Then he goes on to talk about big letters for a big man to see. Is that why he types in capitals? I defy you to make any fucking sense out of that. I’ve tried and it gave me these blinding headaches. We now get a glimpse of the murky and dangerous world of a former SAS man. He’s keeping his age a secret as though that alone could identify him. How would that work? I’m not even going down that route. Finally, he’s not putting a photo of himself on the profile because he doesn’t want to get a bullet in his head. If I was him I wouldn’t worry. If someone wanted to kill him the last place they’d shoot him is in the head. Why? Because there’s fuck-all in there!

Wait! What about Andy McNab? He’s not scared to reveal his age or his name! Perhaps McNob is more security conscious. Or more scared. Although I imagine shit stained underwear is a rare thing in the Special Air Service. Perhaps it wasn’t the British Army McNob served in. Perhaps it was the Salvation Army! Oh, and the photo? It was a photo of an elephant. People are out to kill him. For his tusks? But the show must go on and McNob’s need to bond with a penpal is so great he must throw caution to the winds. So he proceeds to whet our appetites...

“I WILL PUT UP PHOTOS OF PLACES I HAVE BEEN IN THE WORLD, TO SHOW VIEWERS EXOTIC PLACES, I HAVE TRAVELLED TO IN MY LIFE, YOU SEE YOU DONT KNOW WHO IS WATCHING ON HERE, SO MY SECURITY AS TO BE THE BEST.”

Right now that’s just what the doctor ordered. We need to see some exotic places. Of course, we could just go into a travel agency and look at the brochures. Or there’s the library. They’ve got lots of books with photographs of exotic places. Or we could sit at home and watch the Discovery Channel. Then there’s the Internet! Fuck me! Is there anywhere we can’t see photos of exotic places? But McNob is counting on the fact that we’re looking for that special penpal and we’ve become mesmerised by his magnetic personality. So we need to see his exotic photos. Compared to these all others are just pale imitations. Next we get personal as McNob gives us a brief glimpse of his private life before starting his recruiting drive...

“EX MARRIEDMAN , WELL SORT OF, IF YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN.ANYBODY WHO WANTS TO JOIN MY CLUB ON LINE OR POST, MEETING USUALLY IN THE LONDON AREA OF THE UK, BUT CAN VARY FROM COUNTRY TO COUNTRY, EXCEPT THE USA, WHICH IS FULL ALLREADY OF NUTTERS ETC,”

McNob tells us he’s a “sort of ex-married man.” As far as I’m concerned an ex-married man is a man who is no longer married. There’s no “sort of” about it. He’s either married or he isn’t. At least, that’s how things work in the universe I inhabit. McNob clearly inhabits a different one. Then comes the invitation to join his club. Presumably, for security reasons, we’re not told the name of this club or, indeed, what sort of club it is. Just in case the wrong people decide to join. Prospective members can join online or by post. It’s probably best to join online because the lack of a postal address makes the latter option rather difficult. And the club meets, not in London, but the “London area of the UK.” Again, this vagueness is probably for security reasons. On the other hand, it could be the result of plain stupidity.

McNob then tells us not to be fooled by the UK address. This is an international club, so the meetings can vary from country to country. In other words, in some countries there will be a meeting and in others not. Except for America which is already full of nutters. Ah! Now I get it. This is a club for nutters. A Nutters Club. The International Nutters Club, no less. And America is excluded because those greedy Yanks don’t need any more nutters, thank you very much. McNob then goes on to describe the sort of people who can join...

“MEMBERSSHIP IS OPEN TO EX MILITARY PEOPLE EXPECIALLY PSYCOPATHS ALSO ANY NUTTERS, BUT YOU MUST PASS AN ENTRY EXAM FIRST TO SEE IF YOUR A NUTTER ETC, I DONT WANT FAKERS IN MY CLUB AND CON ARTISTS FROM NIGERIA, I HAVE SOME ALLREADY SO KNOW MORE PLEASE,”

There we go. Confirmation. This is a club for nutters and psychopaths. However, the distinction between these two groups escapes me. In my book psychopaths are nutters. But perhaps I’m being too finicky. The reference to "ex-military” people seems to imply that the British Army recruit nutters and psychopaths. If this is true then stay well away from the Royal British Legion and the Chelsea Hospital. The entry exam to weed out any normal people sounds interesting. How does one go about constructing an exam for nutters? It certainly can’t be a conventional exam. Would a true nutter even consider taking an exam? Or would they just ignore it because that’s what a nutter would do? You see the paradoxes this creates? Unfortunately, McNob refuses to divulge any information about this nutty exam and leaves it to our imagination.

Finally, McNob tells us he doesn’t want any con artists because he’s got enough of them already. So we now discover that this is a Nutters and Con-Artists club. Of course, I know what you’re thinking. If there’s an exam for nutters there must also be an exam for con-artists. And the only way they can pass this exam is by cheating. Next, McNob reminds us that nothing in life is free. And that includes membership of his International Nutters, Psychopaths & Scammers Club...

“MINUMUM DEPOSIT FOR 12 MONTHS VIA PAYPAL WESTERN UNION, A CLASSIC FOR NIGERIAN GANGSTERS ETC , CASH ALSO , BUT PLEASE SEND IT REGISTERED VIA POST, WE DONT WANT TO SEE IT LOST IN THE SLOW MAIL SERVICE DO WE, SORRY SOMETIMES FOR MY SPELLING, I HAVE VERY SHAKY HANDS AND SOMETIMES MISS THE KEYS, SO THERE YOU HAVE IT , ITS A GOOD CLUB , LOTS OF MEMBERS SO FAR, LAST COUNT IS 100, FROM ALL OVER THE GLOBE H AND ELSE WHERE ON THE NET, ITS AN IDEAL PLACE TO RECRUIT, IT WAS DESIGNED FOR NUTTERS PSYCOPATHS ETC,”

Of course, if we were to consult a debt-collecting agency they’d probably confirm that nutters, psychopaths and scammers are amongst the first people to default on their payments. McNob, however, trusts them. Which is rather sweet. And he apologises for his spelling, claiming this is due to his shaky hands and not – as some of you may think – due to his lack of a basic education. This man is shell-shocked, not illiterate! Shame on you for thinking otherwise. Is this the way to treat a former soldier? Not only that a soldier who was, if the hints are correct, a member of the elite special forces? McNob’s club boasts lots of members. One hundred of them. One suspects they’re all on “B” wing in HM Prison, Wormwood Scrubs. Next, McNob reveals another talent. He has a literary bent...

“INFACT I MIGHT WRIGHT A BOOKABOUT IT , YOU MIGHT JUST SEE IT IN THE SHOPS FOR NEXT XMASS, IF MY DAUGHTER GETS A MOVE ON WITH THE PRINTING PRESS, THE FEE TO JOIN IS MINUMUM 50£ TO MAXIMUM £100,000 , FOR THAT SORT OF MONEY, YOU CAN COME AND STAY WITH ME MY FAMILY IN A VERY NICE HOUSE PLENTY OF BEDROOMS FACING A LOVELY STRETCH OF WATER SOMEWHERE IN A HOT CLIMATE WITH LOTS OF ANIMALS FOR COMPANY, PEACE AND QUITE FOR 2 WEEKS ALL FOOD PROVIDED, WITH ESCORTED TOURS AROUND MY LAND, ANY....SO THERE YOU HAVE IT A NICE FIT YOUNG MAN WITH A STRANGE OUTLOOK ON LIFE.”

It might be in the shops by Xmas if his daughter gets a move on with the printing press. I like that bit. It shows optimism. I bet Penguin, Random House, Blackwell and the other major publishing houses are shitting themselves. Desperate boardroom meetings. Tensions running high. Executives leaping through the windows to commit commercial hara-kiri. ‘If that girl gets her printing press going, we’re in big trouble.’ One wonders how old his daughter is. I have this terrible vision of a 10 year old struggling to master a giant offset lithographic printing press. Still, once she’s completed the first run of this blockbuster she can relax in the family home facing a lovely stretch of water. Probably the Manchester Ship Canal. I recall going there on a school trip and we had great fun spotting the condoms that were floating on the surface. We’d point to them and shout, ‘Please, Sir! What are those?’ But I digress.

McNob’s house is actually in a “hot climate,” so that rules out Manchester. At least until this Global Warming really takes hold. “Lots of animals for company,” suggests a zoo. Maybe McNob and family occupy the monkey house. McNob concludes his profile by describing himself as a “Nice fit young man with a strange outlook on life.” Well, that’s certainly no understatement. Now we move on to the next section where we find even more treasures. On InterPals members are asked to describe the sort of people they’re looking for. We can imagine McNob is not seeking just any “run of the mill” pen pals and he doesn’t disappoint us...

"Requests

IINTERSTING PEOPLE, EXPECIALLY ANYBODY SERVING IN THE GULF WAR, EXP THE FIRST GULF WAR, WHERE I WAS LOCATED IN KUWAIT, QUATAR ARAB EMIRATES, ALSO ANY MERCENARYS,ACTIVE OR RETIRED, A LONG SHOT ON HERE I THINK. NO AMERICANS HAD ENOUGH OF THEM IN THE FIRST GULF WAR COMPLETE ARSEHOLES AND THERE DONT TAKE ORDERS PROPERLY, THERE ALL THINK THERE ARE JOHN WAYNE IN THE MOVIES, THERE LIKE TO GET EVERYBODY INTO A WAR, BUT LACK COMMONSENSE TO GET US OUT OF IT, INSTEAD YOUR THERE FOR EVER TILL THE THICK PRESIDENT ORDERS THEM BACK.I BLAIM THE PENTAGON IDIOTS FOR THAT COCKUP, ANYWAY ITS MY OPINION , DONT LIKE IT SUE ME.O”

From this we gather McNob served in the first Gulf War and mentions that he was located in Kuwait which, if you recall, had been invaded by Saddam Hussein. The impression being that McNob was amongst the forces who liberated that country. Perhaps he did it single-handed. A man whose daughter can operate a printing press is probably capable of anything. He’s not expecting any mercenaries active or retired on the website. He needn’t worry. I doubt if these are the sort of people who go around looking for penpals. Next, McNob has a dig at the Americans. He regards them as, “complete arseholes.” A description that could fit McNob himself. McNob’s main objection seems to be that they all think they’re John Wayne and that they can’t take orders properly.

Wait a minute! Surely soldiers thinking they’re John Wayne can’t be a bad thing. In the heat of battle you tend to need a lot of gung ho characters. If American soldiers thought they were Julie Andrews then there would be cause for concern. What you need at that point is firepower, not a bunch of blokes singing, “The Hills Are Alive.” And, as for not taking orders properly, I would imagine the American army considers the ability to take orders a rather important quality in a soldier. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe the American army tell their recruits that when orders are issued, they need only be obeyed if the soldier feels like it. After all, the Americans are proud of their independence. Finally, McNob concludes that the American simply want everyone to get involved in a war and that once in it, they can’t get out. In which case, the Americans would be no use to anyone because they’d still be busy fighting the Civil War. Oh, and to add insult to injury, our expert on military affairs considers that the Pentagon is staffed by idiots. One wonders if McNob would have any difficulty getting an American visa. Now we come to the final portion of McNob’s requests...

“THE USUALL NUTTERS CAN TALK TO ME IF I AM IN A MOOD, BUT REMEMBER THE MORE NUTTER YOU ARE I CAN BEAT YOU ON THAT SCORE, WELL YOU HAD TO BE A PSYCOPATH WHAT I DID THE PASS RATE WAS LOW ON THAT SCORE.IF YOU THINK YOU WHERE BETTER THAN ME , I WOULD LOVE TO SEE YOUR CV.I LOVE CHARITYS SO IF YOU DO , YOU CAN SEND SOME MONEY TO MY FAVOURITES, PLEASE CONTACT ME FOR FURTHER DETAILS.ANY AGE 17 TO 100, DONT CARE WHAT COLOUR YOU ARE, AFRICANS EXPECIALLY, SEEING I PRACTICALLY LIVED THERE IN DIFFRENT AREAS.ANYBODY WELCOME IF I LIKE YOU IF NOT I WILL MAKE YOUR LIFE WORSE THAN IT IS ON HERE, TALKING DAFT.I KNOW WHO I AM DO YOU IF NOT TELL ME SO I CAN BLACKMAIL YOU FOR FURTHER CHARITY MONEY HA HA.ALL NUTTERS AND,PSYCHOPATHS WELCOME TELL ME YOUR STORIESSTORIES, OR WHATEVER YOU WANT, I HAVE GOOD BIG EARS TO SEE YOU WITH.”

McNob wants us to know that the usual nutters can talk to him. So what kind of nutters are these? The mind boggles. But only if he’s in the mood to talk to a nutter. Well, that goes without saying. We all have days when we don’t feel like talking to nutters. Then a warning: no matter how nutty you think you are, you’ll never be as nutty as McNob. He is the King of Nutters. The crème de la crème of nuttyness. In the interests of preserving our sanity we’ll leave the, “...well you had to be a psychopath what I did the pass rate was low on that score.” Because, no matter how you rearrange those words, they just don’t make any sense.

Next we have another request for money. This time, instead of going to this club of his, the money will be donated to charity. You simply send it to his favourite: the McNob Charity Fund. Finally, we get to the crux of the matter. What sort of nutters is McNob hoping to attract? They can be aged 17 to 100. Of course, octogenarian nutters won’t be as active as their 17-year old counterparts. I imagine they’ll be sitting in their wheelchairs drooling and trying to recall just how nutty they were. Colour is no bar to nuttyness. But McNob clearly has an affinity to African nutters having lived amongst them. In fact, I imagine McNob will get on well with the likes of President Mugabe and his mob. On the other hand, if McNob doesn’t like you, he’ll make your life worse than it is on here. I presume he means the website. If so, it’s an empty threat. After all, what could be worse than filling your head with this kind of shit? But the bit I love most is the one about having big ears to see you with. Personally, I use my eyes. But we’re all different and we all have our own way of doing things. If McNob wants to listen with his eyes, that’s up to him. To crown it all, his photo showed a herd of elephants. So McNob does live in a zoo. He’s Dumbo!

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