Heather Small's Diary
By Paul Creasy

March 3

Got my new diary! Hope my writing makes me feel "Proud"! (LOL)

March 5

Spent most of today in the studio. Good session - we did good a bit where I sang really loud. Starting to think this album will be my best ever, even better than the one that had Tom Jones on it. Of course, I've got nothing to prove after leaving M People and releasing "Proud".

March 6

Another day in the studio, recording a song with the Chuckle Brothers called "Oops! That's My Leg". Might have been a mistake - we need to decide whether to leave it off the album or not. Nothing can damage my credibility too much, of course, as "Proud" is still fresh in people's minds.

March 10

Sorry for not writing! Everything's been hectic lately. Manager came around on Friday expressing record label's concerns about the album and its "commercial viability", whatever that is. Not a problem obviously, I'm thick-skinned enough to take criticism. Reminded him that people have written me off before - everyone said I'd never have another hit after M People broke up following the release of "The Best of M People", but then I came out with "Proud" and the rest is history. And that's not even mentioning my appearance on "Strictly Come Dancing". To his credit he said he couldn't argue with me and went home. Always feel lucky to have such an understanding manager.

March 11

Dropped by record label. Cunts.

March 12

Don't know what to do with myself, really. No money to record in the studio so the album's shelved unless I release it over the Internet. Might do what Radiohead did and let people pay what they want for it.

March 13

A friend of mine put it up for download today. Nobody's downloaded it yet.

March 14

Nobody's downloaded it yet.

March 17

Nobody's downloaded it yet.

March 21

Nobody's downloaded it yet.

March 22

Nobody's downloaded it yet.

March 23

Somebody downloaded it, but left a comment saying "WTF is this shit". My friend thinks there's a "problem with the server" so he's taken it down.

March 24

Had nothing to do this afternoon so watched "Deal or No Deal" on TV with my husband. Really like the show - Noel Edmonds reminds me of myself in a way. "Noel's House Party" was his "Search for the Hero", "Telly Addicts" his "Moving On Up". Now, just when everyone thought he was finished, he's come back with his version of "Proud". Thinking about it, suppose Mr. Blobby would have been his equivalent of Mike, Paul and Shovell from M People.

Admire Noel a lot. (I'd let him "gunge" me any day, LOL)

March 25

Bit of a disaster tonight - husband read my diary and thought I wanted Noel's spunk all over me. We're sleeping in different rooms atm.

When he asks himself, "What did I do today to make me feel proud?" I hope he realises what a complete bellend he's been.

March 26

A better day. Met my husband in the kitchen this morning and we went through our usual recital of "Proud" without any hitches. Says he's taken the song's words to heart and I believe him. That's the thing about "Proud" - the words stay with you long after my foghorn voice has left your head.

Performed the song at a secondary school assembly today but got a few blank looks, which is strange because it's so contemporary - if I'd done an M People hit I would have understood the confusion. Nevertheless, put it down to bad luck and belted as usual.

March 28

Agent told me I've been invited onto a Channel 5 political show tomorrow. Pleased but have no idea what to say.

March 29

Show went well - just farted out some guff about how politicians are all twats and the audience thudded their hands together like lobotomised seals. Reminded me of performing "Proud" for the first time - back then, even I was slightly nervous about how I'd be received following my successful career with M People. Of course, history shows I had nothing to be worried about.

Came home in a good mood, so decided to put on a backing track and do an extended version of "Proud" with an extra chorus. Cat seemed to enjoy it.

March 30

Saw Mike and Paul from M People fighting over chicken bones in a skip. Said hello.

April 2

Was in London recording a jingle for Burger King's new "Proud Burger" when I saw Lou Reed walking down Kensington High Street. Went up to him and asked him if he recognised me, but he didn't. Told him I'd sung on the 1997 version of "Perfect Day" hoping that would jog his memory, but he just punched me in the face. Probably wasn't having a good day.

(Or "Perfect Day", LOL)

April 3

Bit of a nothing day today. No work to do so I just lazed around. Made it hard when it came to deciding what I'd done today to make me feel proud, but eventually went with emptying the bins.

April 4

Cat ate a vole last night, then spent all day today being sick. Getting tired of cleaning up after it.

April 5

Cat still a bit sick - had to wait for five hours in vet before we were seen. Said I've got to administer antibiotics regularly for a couple of days.

April 6

Cat still vomiting.

April 7

Cat still vomiting.

April 8

I performed "Proud" on Oprah once. Sorry, just needed to write that down.

April 9

Much better day today - my husband organised a surprise birthday party for me. Not my birthday but the thought was there. Even knew not to invite other M People members.

Edmonds argument now firmly behind us.

April 10

Met up with Tunde Baiyewu from the Lighthouse Family for lunch. Always really admired the band and their experimental sound - some of their music was even more "out there" than "Proud".

Unfortunately found it hard to concentrate while he was talking. Felt a massive foaming in my pants as he opened that honeyed mouth of his, begging him to use it where it's really needed. Kept wishing he'd drill me against the wall while singing "Ocean Drive" and pump me full of easy-listening-jizz. Why won't he take me? Leave that frigid bitch of his and shack up with the Small? Sweet Jesus he's fucking sexy.

Hope my husband doesn't read this.

April 11

Relocated diary to a safe in our attic.

April 13

Great news - organised a nationwide tour of bingo venues today. Sharing the bill with the Chuckle Brothers but I'll make the best of it.

Movin' on up!

(LOL)

Most recent

Most popular

More